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Hello world

It’s a sad and emotional me that greets you tonight. I am beginning to understand how my brother thought and felt in his final months as I am having similar feelings myself. Thoughts of giving up, of not having the energy or stamina to fight anymore. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I constantly have thoughts of how my funeral will play out and being buried in the ground branded in the forefront of my mind. What does it feel like to die? I have this constant thought of being awake as I am lowered into the ground. Maybe not awake, perhaps ‘aware’ is a more accurate term. My deepest fear is now being portrayed as a reality in my mind and despite my best efforts, I cannot escape it. I can’t move past these thoughts. I try to have a happy marriage by keeping these thoughts from my husband and from my friends – in fact, this blog is the first time I’ve mentioned it. I guess that’s because nobody gets it. People might think I ‘hide behind cancer’ or use my illness as an excuse for having no energy or for being in pain constantly but the reality is that it IS an excuse because it IS actually happening, it’s the way IT IS. Unfortunately, nobody can truly appreciate that. It’s a vicious cycle – I don’t talk about it, so people think I’m fine. But I’m not. I’m really not.

I have been thinking about my mother alot also – how lonely she must be, living alone and, what I can only imagine, guilt-ridden at the responsibility she has for my brother’s decision to end his life. She chose to not reach out and answer his cries for help. She chose to condone his decision when he spoke openly about it. I can’t move on from the resentment I feel when l think about her.

Youth suicide is the biggest killer of people aged 14-21 in Australia yet people still feel the need to vindicate and belittle others so they feel so small that they feel there is only one option. If you’re a parent/cousin/brother/sister/uncle/aunt/grandparent/friend to someone who you think is in trouble or at risk of harming themselves, please, I beg you – ask if they are ok and, more importantly, SHOW THAT YOU GENUINELY CARE ABOUT THEIR RESPONSE.

I am so emotionally exhausted that I feel I just don’t have the desire to keep fighting. It’s all too much. I feel guilty every single day because my husband is living a life of almost complete unhappiness and contempt because his wife is dying. My time left here is limited, yet I feel I am not maximising my time. I have friends that seem to come and go, very few seem constant. It could be my misunderstanding, but everyone is so busy and overwhelmed. I can’t help but feel regret everywhere I look. But the worst thing is, I don’t know how to change it. It’s like I am stuck in this toxic, vicious spiral that is dragging me down until eventually I am underground and the saddest part is that, inevitably, my husband is coming down with me. That’s not fair. I can make peace with the cards I’ve been dealt but when those cards ruin the life of the person I love, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

How do I overcome this? I have never felt so powerless and out of control in all my life.

Until next time, goodnight.